I knew from my breastfeeding experience with my older daughters that I wasn't one of the lucky ones with an abundance of milk; however, I assumed a lot about how much easier this would be given my education since my last baby. I got a jump start on supply and started doing things to avoid problems in the past even before I knew of any problem this time. At first, I noticed Anaiah wouldn't latch at all on the left side. She saw our awesome chiropractor Dr.Chris Boman at day 3 and 5 of life and she began to take the left side. I figured this was the simple answer. Knowing my left side had a lot of catching up to do, I fed her as often as possible on that side. But she began to get frustrated there even though she would latch, and then she was frustrated at the right side as well. I thought my blistered nipples was from missing her top lip being rolled in. I was so exhausted the first few days of her life. After being up for practically three nights for her birth. On day 5 of life I began to wonder why she wasn't peeing nearly as much as I thought she should. And I also wondered why my breasts, especially my left, seemed full but I couldn't express anything by hand or with a pump. I reluctantly decided to try a nipple shield and noticed she would latch on much easier. She seemed to need more stimulation at the roof of her mouth and this was giving it to her. This was my first disappointment as a lactation professional. I shouldn't have to use a nipple shield, how embarrassing. But she was sustaining sucks much longer so I thought it was best for the moment until I could find the energy and time to figure out more. On day 6 my friend and fellow breastfeeding professional Ruthii Slatum came over to do a belly bind for me. This is when everything changed. She happened to be there when Anaiah peed a rusty color. I didn't know what this meant but Ruthii knew. She said it was dehydration. At this point I was already considering calling Kristen Davis, the local beloved IBCLC because of the lack of wet diapers and frustrating latch. Ruthii was gentle but frank about how much I was overlooking a problem from a breast augmentation I'd had four years prior. I said, "but Ruthii, all our books and my teacher at UCSD said that as long as it's been a year and they're behind the muscle it's fine, right?!" Ruthii responded, "Karen, I'd encourage you to research that some more." My heart heard it but I was far from ready to accept this. ANow very nervous for my baby's health, we called Kristen Davis and she came over in a heart beat. On her way over, I happened to check my facebook messages and one of my former students had offered me some extra expressed milk she had. I told her I'd probably need it and would get back to her soon. Kristen spent hours with us! We tried three different pumps. I'd already borrowed two and Kristen let me borrow another type. We did a weight check and I learned that my daughter had dropped from her birth weight of 6lbs 11.5 oz to 5lbs 12oz. 13% And she was only transferring about 5ml at the breast! Oh my God, I thought, I called my husband and asked him to go get that milk immediately. I was in complete shock. Kristen was so sweet and gentle and tried to take on my worry for me as much as possible, But I spent that night in panic and the next few nights on a roller coaster full of tears. We started to investigate a posterior tongue tie. Kristen explained this so well. All the times I accused tongue ties and lip ties of being a trend was coming to bite me in the butt. Now I thought this was all I was dealing with ( as I was surely not ready to consider my surgery as a big problem at all yet). Anaiah may very well have a posterior tongue tie and it could potentially improved her latch if we chose to revise it. However... the story continues to get more challenging then that. I borrowed another pump from my generous fellow hypnobirthing educator. Lisa's daughter lent me one that seemed to be a bit better then the one I was already borrowing. I cried buckets over missing the bond of latching my daughter. I snapped this picture to remember how down I got. The next week was full of pumping every two hours and celebrating every drop. I would still put my baby to breast every chance I got. Sometimes with the nipple shield sometimes without. One ml more then the day before, I still had hope. But my left side went from almost competing with my right to going back down to drops. The most I could pump was about 10ml from my right and 2 ml or so from my left. Anaiah began to gain weight back quickly! And I had more offers for donor milk coming in. I tried to be thankful for the important things, but this was HARD. I wanted to breastfeed my daughter myself. Not just because it's embarrassing to struggle as a CLEC, but because I WANT TO FEED MY BABY! Why wasn't God yet answering my prayer the way I wanted? My heart was breaking into just as many pieces as when former traumatic things happened in my life. As I began to learn more about the kind of surgery I had and what that realistically meant, my heart broke more and more. I still believed and prayed for a miracle. And I still am! I asked Kristen to come back to do another weighted feeding and help me with a hospital grade pump I finally got my hands on. I also wondered why pumping was hurting so bad and maybe I had the wrong size flanges. 5 different pumps, every supply supplement under the sun, and a diligence to try EVERYTHING. When Kristen came back Anaiah was 12 days old and I'd been pumping religiously every 2-3 hours for the last 6 days straight as well as skin to skin and baby at the breast time as often as possible. This time, Kristen brought me different flanges and now I had the hospital grade pump so I still had hope. We'd also just ruled out the possibility of using domperidone because we did blood work and found that my prolactin levels were more than sufficient. Later I also got the results back from my midwife for progesterone levels and they were low, which ruled out retained placenta. It was starting to feel like the walls were closing in on me. When I went to weigh Anaiah after a feeding at the breast, she was transferring the same as the first time we did this when she was totally weak and depleted. Her latch was better, but her suck was still not efficient. Probably because of a posterior tongue tie. But as I pumped and talked through things, the biggest monster came eye level with me and I couldn't ignore it anymore. My nipples were restricted from scar tissue. My glands were restricted from expressing from scar tissue. Facing the reality that the choice I made when my life was completely different four years ago, it rocked me to my core. I cried and moved through thoughts of failure, disappointment in myself, extreme regret. How could I face my husband? How could I face my daughter? How could I face myself? I made a decision that took away something from my family. How could I ever forgive myself for this. What does that mean for the future? We thought we'd have another baby, would that be completely irresponsible knowing I couldn't feed them my milk? Would I be able to get enough donor milk? How will I still help women after this kind of reality being who I am as an educator? We prayed that night and I repented for this ignorant decision I'd made. We believed God, we still believe God could have mercy and change something about the structural damage I had. With my husband's encouragement, I decided to continue to pump more. But I was at the lowest of lows of hope. It's going to take me much much longer to process all of this. But I want to be thankful for what I have in the middle of such stress and sadness. Even with the new flanges and better pump, there's no improvement in supply or pain from pumping. It may actually be that pumping is furthering swelling in scar tissue. BUT! My daughter will still take my breast! I don't think she's transferring anything significant, but what a miracle she hasn't rejected me at least not yet. I asked myself, how long do I wait for a miracle, how do I know what God's answer is for my prayer? Well of course, as the mystery of life would have it, I named my daughter "Anaiah" which actually means "God answers" I don't know what's going to happen. I know I'm going to have to ask for donor milk now for the foreseeable future. I know my daughter needs me for more than just milk. And my husband has reminded me to be proud of myself and that " I didn't marry you so you could breastfeed." Funny how I actually attributed my identity as a wife and mother to that ability more than I ever knew. I've learned that breastfeeding far outweighed my desire for a home birth. It far outweighed my desire for most things. Thank you so much for all the prayers and believing with me. Thank you so much for the encouragement and still accepting me as someone who wants to help others, even if I struggle myself. I appreciate all of the suggestions and I know many of you will still have suggestions and maybe even have an opinion on how I should do things differently. Please just be careful of my heart as I put myself out there so publically about all of this. I am taking the risk of exposing myself greatly and at the cost of something that makes me more vulnerable then I ever knew. I can only hope that my story, whether successful the way I want or not, still promotes hope and faith for someone out there. Thank you SO MUCH to Ruthii, Kristen, Chris, and the donor moms. You've saved my daughter's life. If it wasn't for you all, she surely would be in the NICU!
4 Comments
Wendy W
11/19/2017 11:30:43 am
Thank you so much for sharing your family's story I believe it will help others and I wish I would have spoke about all of my own struggles and pain instead of hiding.
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Brittany flores
11/19/2017 11:59:33 am
Karen you're amazing and I'm amazed at your heart and resilience! You're baby is loved and cared for 💗❤️💗 You're an awesome mama
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Theresa Lindberg
11/19/2017 03:10:50 pm
Karen, you are an amazing person! Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. Your stories inspire & give hope. Brianna just gave birth to twins yesterday @ 34 weeks & is pumping & dumping till she is clean (meth) Boy and girl are in ICU for maybe 2 weeks. They got their first 2 ounces of donated breast milk this morning. Weaning off IV... They are healthy & clean in Jesus name!
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Diana Kay
11/27/2017 01:48:37 am
You ate an amazing woman, blessed by our Faithful Father, and redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. You are complete in Him; and your baby is sustained by you,
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Karen Brann
Birth Doula, Childbirth Educator, Lactation Educator/Counselor Archives
July 2019
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