she came to teach me something For years I've said, if I'd known then what I know now, my first birth would've been so different. When I gave birth to my first I knew nothing. My water released and I went right in to the hospital and got right on Pitocin. I was injured by my epidural and that story was full of trauma. Ever since becoming educated, I've wished I could go back and do my births over. At first I said "No Pitocin, no epidural!" And eventually, it became "NO HOSPITAL!" My "big girls" pictured. Natanya was born on 4/14/10 at Zion in San Diego. Mikayla was born on 2/22/12 at Pomerado in Poway. With Mikayla I had no Pitocin or epidural, but I did have unnecessary interventions I also held bitterness towards.
I had no idea I would feel so pressured. Make no mistake, it was of no fault of the midwives. It was completely self-driven. I anticipated feeling performance for my students, but not for my birth team. I knew I had to surrender to what the hundreds of students and doula clients may think of this birth. But I didn't know I was looking at midwives on an even higher pedestal. My water released at 12:30am on November 3rd. By now, I'd spent years telling women to go back to sleep when this happens and not to get too excited. All that teaching paid off for myself. Ironically, this is exactly how my first birth started only, all the adrenalin in the world rushed in. This time I calmly texted my husband who was at work. And we both tried our best to sleep that night when he got home a little while later. I set up the bed with the "toss away" sheets and got myself more ready for the birth so I could sleep peacefully while I went to the bathroom many times leaking BUCKETS of water. I did have some waves (contractions) but nothing too much. Just enough to make a little sleep difficult, but doable. That next day was calm for the most part. We walked to the chiropractor (only a mile away) as I'd been dealing with massive rib pain for weeks and I didn't know why. I figured one last adjustment might help the rib pain be more tolerable for the birth. We also walked to the grocery store and bought more pads since I was going through all that I'd bought for the postpartum use! I was leaking SO much. The waves would come and go and got stronger a bit after the walk so my midwife came over. I don't remember exactly when. I think it was the second time she came over that day. But on her way, I started crying and told Josh I'd rather just birth with no one there. But I knew that kind of birth was WAY off his radar. That wasn't something we'd ever talked about. So I knew that just wasn't going to happen. A dear friend Stephanie came over and hugged me and lent me a breast pump to try and get more waves. I was upset that I had put my midwife out of her regular schedule for a whole day. I felt TONS of completely self-induced pressure to have a baby faster just for the people involved. My videographer was aware my water released and waiting, my friend and doula was aware and waiting. The student midwives were also on call. The more I thought about another person, the more my waves would disappear. And meanwhile, the rib pain grew and grew. The next night came and I was more relaxed. As I got a bit of broken sleep through more waves, I was more prepared for an inevitable birth that next day. It was just statistically more likely, so I figured I wouldn't be bothering people waiting for active progression for too long. At one point during the night, my waves picked up a LOT. All of the sudden I was shaking and vomiting. But then, all my waves went away! It was the strangest thing. But looking back, I wonder if the rib pain was also a block in progression on top of my own brain being in the way. We found out when Anaiah was born her foot must have been jammed under my ribs in some way, her little ankle was totally contorted from it. Anyways, the morning came and a different midwife came over. I wasn't upset I didn't have the midwife I planned to be with. I really adore all of them! .But as the day went on, the rib pain grew, and the waves came and went like a roller coaster. I tried castor oil which was a big mistake I think now. I had no idea what I was doing with that! I probably took too much and it probably dehydrated me. I didn't even know much about what to expect with it, I just figured it was best to try everything instead of wishing I did. But what conflicting thoughts I had! On one hand I said "oh it'll happen today," and on the other hand "I better try everything." I know you cannot hold two conflicting thoughts within your mind at the same time. This was a problem. I needed to value myself and my baby and just listen to THAT voice of instincts from THAT place! But it's hard to value yourself when you're idealizing people around you. I really had ZERO pain with every single wave. All of the physical process of birthing I got to experience at home was absolutely amazing! I LOVED all my surges completely. But I HATED the rib pain. Why couldn't I figure out what was causing it? Why did the massage make it worse? Why was nothing getting rid of it completely. I started to became really mad at it. To the point where I was biter at God. But all of the sudden, I was hit with a big realization. Even if I couldn't figure out why I had this horrible pain, or how to get rid of it completely, Even if it made my birth different than I'd plan. That is SUCH a small thing to surrender. I can do that for my baby! I started crying a lot as I broke through that barrier. It was a great release! By the late afternoon I asked to have my cervix checked. I was 5cm open, 80% thinned, and baby was at a -1 station. None of this was told to me, when I learned it later, I was very surprised. I didn't think I had any real waves to get me to that point! The time past became a bigger source of anxiety again as the day became evening. And I was really upset that someone had asked the videographer to come because I DID NOT think I was in any kind of labor at all yet. Finally, I asked my husband and when he told me I was 5cm, I was more encouraged to move around as my birth team encouraged me despite how tired I was. This is when I got to experience at least on little progression I wanted. I got in the birth tub. IT WAS BLISS!!!! Not only was I in love with my waves, but NOW I was rid of the rib pain in the water enough to really move with them too! I LOVED THIS WATER like nothing I could ever describe. It was pure heaven. I began to see myself birthing there and even said to myself, "I'm supposed to birth here." BUT as my waves grew, my team encouraged me verbally more. And unfortunately, their well intentioned efforts were strangely a source of more pressure. I didn't need anyone to say anything. I was in perfect peace. When I would hear their voices, I was aware of their presence, and that was a problem for my pattern to progress more. click on this picture below to see my birth video There were more "problems" arising. My baby's heart rate crept up from a normal baseline in the 140s to the 160s and then reaching the 180s with no variables. Also, I began to develop a fever that crept up to 102. I was mildly aware of these things even though no one was telling me. But when we did another long listen to her heart rate, and I heard the numbers called out by the student midwives, I knew exactly what needed to happen. Even before they were finished, I said to Josh, "we're transferring, this is too many signs of infection." Now nearing 48 hours of my water being released we were on our way to the hospital. Transferring from a homebirth was FAR off my radar. I had no idea this would happen to me. I'd already given birth unmedicated before. I'd already had two vaginal births. The concept of transferring had only crossed my mind as an extreme emergency in the absolute most rare of circumstances. When I got out of the car and walked through the emergency room doors. I went into a completely different place mentally as well. I was very worried for my baby, but I was also walking into a battleground in warrior mode. My attitude towards the hospital staff compared to the midwives at home was night and day. At home, I was making jokes and wouldn't ask them for things. At the hospital I made no eye contact, completely ignored everyone and focused on what my baby and my body needed ONLY. What anyone else needed was out of my thoughts completely. Now it was ONLY about me and my baby. This is the attitude I needed at home. My waves got closer and stronger then ever. The castor oil was taking full effect and I had to make many trips to the bathroom with much discomfort from that. The nurse checked me and she said I was 3cm. This was a blow. Before this information, I told myself "it's fine, I'll get antibiotics and a little bit of Pitocin and I'll have my baby in a few hours or less." Not now. Now I was facing the third night of no sleep and the Pitocin was getting turned up more and more and more. I tried to stay positive, but I totally lost my zone. I was not composed anymore. I was facing PANIC mode 100%. I became tense from head to toe. This was the fear tension pain syndrome in full effect. I'd asked to be checked. It had been a few hours and I was just 4cm now. I was done. All plans were out the window. I was in the WORST pain. I knew this was not going to work like this all night. Even though I was terrified of another injury from it, I asked for an epidural. Knowing now that the baby was fine, her heart rate had totally settled and my temperature was back down. I said I'm either going back home or I'm getting an epidural. Again, I knew no one was going to take me home. But OH how I wish that I could've. It's never fun to have to share a story as a natural childbirth educator that you got an epidural. The anesthesiologist walked in and I barked orders at him with the 30 seconds to spare between ROARING in waves.
Within an hour, the nurse said she'd like to check me because the baby had some decelerations. I agreed and we learned that I was 8cm open. I smiled. But the next wave came with something different. I said, "oh, this is much stronger." She checked again and baby's head was only one knuckle away from crowning! I said to Josh, "make sure you tell her what we want for the birth," And he started to describe how he was going to help receive the baby. The nurse said that isn't something they do there. And I said, "well we're probably just going to do what we want to do." Which we did :) She walked out the room to call the doctor. I decided to see where I was at myself during a surge. I could feel the babies head too! Now my dreams were coming true. I kept checking to see if the baby would move past my pubic bone. And she did! I wasn't pushing AT ALL, just barely breathing her down. I said to Josh as I felt her stay put and low, "the baby is coming on the next one." He didn't even know I was doing what I was doing. He looked and said, "I don't even see a head." I said, "just wait, you will." And there we were, receiving our baby, all by ourselves. This was a moment I'll never forget. Etched into a timeless place, we got exactly what we wanted. Josh supported my perineum (as he's been taught VERY well haha!). And he'd be proud to say, because of him, I didn't tear! I was SO happy because I wanted to birth on my hands and knees to prevent tearing, But because I was able to birth slowly and on my side, as well as with his help, it was all just fine. I said, "Josh, time?!" because I wanted to know what time just the head was born haha, he grabbed his phone and snapped a picture too and said, "1:55." The rest of her body was born at 1:56am on 11/5/2017 (about 49.5 hours after my water released) and she was right on my chest. "What is it?!" I exclaimed. And despite what 99% of people thought, he said, "It's a girl!" And within about two minutes he said, "It's okay we'll try again." haha! I think he meant both for a homebirth and for a boy. But Lord knows, we're so far from controlling any of these things. Thank you for reading! I'm sorry if I didn't mention your name if you were there as well. Know that I appreciate everyone so much and all of my homebirth team was perfect! It was me in the way, and this story is about just us :)
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Karen Brann
Birth Doula, Childbirth Educator, Lactation Educator/Counselor Archives
July 2019
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